How to Stop "Shoulding" Yourself

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Have you ever thought to yourself “I should do X”? 

Did you do it? Did you forget about it? Or did you avoid this thought, trying to bury it?

None of these actions are good for our well-being.

Often, when we “should” ourselves it’s coming from a desire to be better.

We instinctively know we need to do something, but we tend to forget about it, procrastinate, or try to avoid the thought.

This desire that we “should” do something is a signal that something needs to change. We have to do something.

But before you go ahead and do something about this “should”, you must determine where this “should” is coming from.

You need to figure out why you are feeling like you “should” do X. 

This is going to take some deep reflection to truly figure out. You’ve got to get to the root of why you are having these thoughts that you “should” do X.

Here are a few questions to help you figure out where your “should” is coming from. Ask yourself:

• Do you think you “should” do X because you want to do X?

• Did someone else tell you that you “should” do X’ do X?

• Did a friend or family member tell you you “should

• Did you learn from somewhere that you “should” do X?

• Does your community think you “should” do X?

• Does society think you “should” do X?

For each of these questions, you can follow up by asking yourself “why do they think I should do it?” And “Do I want to do it? If so, why do I want to do it?”

Your answers to these questions will likely give you a good picture of where this “should” is coming from.

If your “should” is coming from anyone else telling you to do X rather than you wanting to do it, then eliminate this “should.”

This “should” isn’t important to you. It’s not going to serve you by acting upon this should. It’s someone else’s wants, not yours.

If you cannot figure out where this “should” is coming from, consider talking to a therapist to see if they can help you. Or you can talk to a friend or family member you’re close with.

If your “should” is coming from you wanting to do X, then great! This is a “should” that you actually “should” act on. Or if it’s a “should” that came from someone else, but you want to do it for your own benefit, then that’s great too. 

Just make sure you do it for your benefit, not for someone else’s or to please others.

The next step for you is to reframe this “should” in your mind. Instead of thinking “I should do X because I want to do X,” think “I want to do X, therefore I am going to do X.”

By reframing your “should” this way, you’ll be prepared to take action. 

From there, take it to the next step from “I am going to do X” to “I am doing X.”  

Now it’s time to take action. By taking action, this “should” will now stop bothering your mind.

Instead, this “should” will now become a new way to improve your life, a new hobby to enjoy, a new career change, a new adventure, and more.

Everyone’s “shoulds” vary. The specific actions to take will be different for each “should.” 

A great way to start taking action is by thinking about what you already know about X. Think about what someone who does it would do. Think about things related to X. 

Write these observations down. See if there is an action you can take from these thoughts. There is very likely going to be something you can do after this brainstorming. 

If you aren’t able to think of anything about X, then start researching!

You’ve got the world at your fingertips. Simply search X in your search engine and then go from there. You’ll most likely find thousands upon thousands of results related to X.

Don’t get caught up in the research though. Pick one or two websites to visit. Or one to two videos to watch. Learn from them, jot down a few notes. And then act upon that information. 

If you apply what you’ve learned to your daily life, then your life will improve in ways you can’t even imagine. 

Stop “shoulding” yourself and instead do what you truly want to do. You’ll feel relieved, happier, and you’ll live more on your terms.